Command 33 : Honor Marriage | Day 230

Strengthen the Spirit of Your Marriage!

I wanted to laugh, but it was not a laughing matter. In fact, it was tragic. A husband had gone into great detail telling me all of the things he was doing to make his marriage successful while his wife listened on another phone. As if to seal his presentation he asked his wife, "Honey, haven't we had a happy marriage?" She replied, "I have not had one happy year since we got married!" He was shocked! He had done many things for his wife but had failed to meet her real needs.

When the spirit of a marriage is damaged, it is not long before the marriage itself is destroyed.

I still remember the Pastors' Seminars years ago, where I first taught about strengthening the spirit of a marriage.¹ In the session, I explained to the men that one of a wife's desires is to know that she is meeting vital needs of her husband that no other woman can fulfill. Then, I asked them to write down several such items. At seminar after seminar the response was the same. The men would stare at a blank sheet of paper for several minutes, because everything that first came to their minds could be done by other women: making meals, washing clothes, shopping, raising children, and even having children!

It took some thought to come up with items such as being a true friend who points out unrecognized areas of sin that no one else sees (see Proverbs 27:6), and giving physical pleasure without guilt (see Proverbs 5:18-21). The bonding of a marriage will become much stronger when a husband recognizes the invaluable contributions his wife makes to his life and expresses gratefulness to her for them.

Another key factor in strengthening the spirit of a marriage is listening to the heart of a wife. A husband will usually take his wife's comments as the full expression of her heart. This is not wise, because at any given time she may be expressing only her mind, will, emotions, or spirit. Each part needs to be heard in order to truly understand a wife's heart.

A husband should keep asking questions until he hears the whole matter. Questions such as these may be helpful in drawing out the heart of his wife: What do you think about this? How do you feel about this? What do you think God is trying to say to us through this? What do you think we should do about this? “He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him” (Proverbs 18:13).

When the spirit of a marriage is damaged, verbal communication is often misunderstood and more hurts result.

One of the most important ways to strengthen the spirit of a marriage is to quickly ask for forgiveness when offenses occur. “Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath” (Ephesians 4:26). If any offense is allowed to "survive" overnight, it can turn into wrath and bitterness, which will greatly damage the spirit of a marriage.

There are many other ways to strengthen the spirit of a marriage. The important thing is to start doing them! Why not begin by asking your wife how she would rate your marriage currently and asking her for suggestions on how it can be improved. By proactively seeking to strengthen the spirit of your marriage, you will be honoring God and obeying the essence of Christ's command.

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1. More about strengthening the spirit of your marriage is taught in the Advanced Seminar and in chapter 10 of the Advanced Seminar Textbook.